Anger: A Common Concern and What You Can Do About It
Written By Tara A. Henschel, M.D.
Anger is one of the most common concerns I see in consultations, especially among men. Because many men are socially conditioned to avoid showing sadness or anxiety, those emotions may instead be expressed as anger. This can look like becoming upset more easily than usual, losing your temper quickly, feeling agitated, or having violent or destructive outbursts. Below are several recurring case themes I often encounter.
A young woman feels overwhelmed by handling most of the childrearing at home. She feels unsupported and unfulfilled in other areas of her life, with little time for self-care. Each day, she feels depleted, sleep-deprived, and caught in unhealthy eating habits. She relies on excessive caffeine just to get through the day. She finds herself snapping at her children for playing or talking too loudly and sharply criticizing her husband over minor issues. She also cries easily and feels as though she is failing at life.
A young man works long, stressful hours at an underpaid job that brings him little satisfaction. When he gets home, his wife immediately hands him the children and asks him to complete several chores, even though he wants to rest. This leads to a major argument. To avoid conflict and numb his emotional discomfort, he retreats to the garage, slams the door, and starts drinking beer. He avoids his wife and communicates as little as possible. When they do talk, he becomes angry quickly and reacts in extreme ways. At times, he throws or breaks things. Although he insists he would never hit his wife, he sometimes worries that he could.
A recently retired man is living his dream of owning acreage in the country. He stays busy working outside because it helps him feel useful and distracts him from difficult thoughts about aging and becoming less needed. He feels the world has changed since he was young: values seem different, life feels faster and more complicated, places are more crowded, costs are higher, and people seem less friendly. In the grocery store, he becomes anxious and agitated, pushes his cart aggressively, and tells people to “watch it.”
On the drive home, he tailgates slower drivers and weaves aggressively through traffic to stay ahead, muttering, yelling, and cursing to himself about the other motorists.
Later, he becomes frustrated while working on his car because repairs no longer come as easily as they once did, and he throws a wrench at the wall. He then goes inside, sits in his recliner, and spends the rest of the day watching Westerns and the news. Current events make him angry. He yells at his wife when dinner is not made exactly the way he likes it and refuses to visit friends.
A woman going through menopause lives alone with eight rescued cats and works night shifts as a nurse. Her adult nephew, who has an intellectual disability, recently moved in after losing his job because she was the only family member willing to help him. She sleeps poorly, has hot flashes, and wonders how much longer she can continue working. The stress, long hours on her feet, and back pain have left her exhausted. As a people pleaser, she hates disappointing others. Over the years, the nursing home’s patient load has grown, and she no longer feels able to keep up or give patients the individual attention she values. She also has extensive computer charting to complete, but because she never learned to type, the documentation takes her hours. Feeling burned out and trapped, she snaps at a patient who rings the call bell, yelling, “What do you want now?” She later argues with the charge nurse about who is responsible for a new overnight intake. After barely sleeping the next day, she yells at her nephew when he asks for help making dinner. She feels like a failure and no longer feels like herself.
Anger can be especially damaging to relationships and often leaves people feeling guilty about their actions. To avoid conflict or prevent harm, many people begin to isolate themselves, which can contribute to depression or worsen existing depression. Anger may also be a symptom of numerous mental health or medical conditions, including depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, intermittent explosive disorder, dementia and traumatic brain injury. Fortunately, anger often responds well to treatment. Antidepressants are commonly effective and are often preferred because they are well tolerated. These may include Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs), such as fluoxetine, sertraline, and citalopram, or Serotonin-Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors (SNRIs), such as venlafaxine, desvenlafaxine, and duloxetine, which are often chosen for their safety profile. In some cases, mood stabilizers such as depakote, carbamazepine, or oxcarbazepine, or antipsychotic medications such as olanzapine, risperidone, or aripiprazole, may be appropriate. Psychotherapy can also help by teaching anger management skills, including how to recognize early warning signs and use strategies such as counting to ten or walking away to prevent outbursts. In addition to professional treatment, the following self-help strategies may also support anger management.
Response Rehearsal
If the trigger is recurrent and predictable, rehearsing your response either with a therapist or quietly in your head can be helpful for managing reactions. Often, reminding yourself of how bad you felt after responding in anger can serve as a negative reinforcement for that behavior and motivate you to change how you react. In other words, remembering the guilt or regret you felt after yelling at a friend can help prevent similar responses in the future.
Empathy & Humility
Have you ever heard the quote by Socrates, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle”? I think this captures the idea very well. Everyone is navigating their own challenges and struggles, often unseen. Try to imagine things from other people’s perspectives. The drive-thru person who didn’t get your order right might be in their first week on the job, short-staffed, or simply overwhelmed. That driver who cut you off at the last minute to make an exit probably wasn’t acting maliciously — they could be lost, stressed, or rushing to an important appointment.
Another important point is humility. Our opinion and perspective are not the only ones that matter. Pause and ask yourself: could I be wrong? Is there another way to view this situation? Does it truly matter who is right or wrong right now? More often than not, it’s wiser to treat others with kindness, protect relationships, and keep the peace than to insist on being right or getting your way, especially when maintaining long-term connection matters more than winning a momentary dispute. If you find it consistently difficult to respond this way, consider working with a therapist who can help guide you toward greater empathy, perspective-taking, and emotional balance.
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff — Practice Gratitude Regularly
You have probably heard this saying before, but it’s true: “don’t sweat the small stuff.” So your toddler spilled things on the floor for the third time today — maybe he gets a kick out of making you mad, or perhaps he’s learning about cause and effect. It’s just a mess, not the end of the world; a few minutes of cleanup won’t erase the rest of a good day unless we let it. Focus on what matters and save the worry for the bigger things in life. Much of the discomfort we feel is temporary and will fade as circumstances change and as we gain perspective. We can become so bogged down by the little things that bother us that we forget to step back, see the larger picture, and show gratitude for the many positive things that are going well in our lives. Start a practice of journaling your worries, frustrations and also note what went well — this simple habit can help put events into perspective and remind you of the good amid the chaos.
Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations and Control
Having rigid and unrealistic expectations for yourself and others often leads to frustration, disappointment, and misplaced anger. Try to cultivate compassion for yourself and for those around you, allowing space for human imperfections and growth. Avoid making comparisons or building expectations on fantasy, idealized images, or selective moments that disguise reality. Let go of the need to control situations and other people and allow yourself to accept that uncertainty and difference are natural parts of life. Lean into curiosity and make an effort to understand others rather than quickly judging them or assuming intent. Instead, take time to gently explore the origins of those expectations and the desire for control, and consider what insecurities or fears they may be protecting, so you can address the underlying needs with greater awareness.
Assert Yourself
It is not a sign of weakness to make your feelings known and ask for help when you need it. Others are not mind readers and can’t know exactly what you need in any given moment. Maybe you just need 30 minutes in the evenings, right after you get home from work, to rest and recharge before you start helping with household chores. Maybe you have been putting off going to the gym because you feel overwhelmed by home and family obligations and can’t find the time or energy. Let your family know how you’re feeling and they might be willing to offer practical support.
Sometimes people struggle to find the words and the courage to advocate for themselves, and talking about these concerns with a therapist can provide important validation and support while helping you discover and strengthen your own voice.
Self-Care
This seems basic and obvious, yet many people neglect themselves. There are so many individuals out there suffering from poor sleep, inadequate nutrition, and untreated health problems simply because they do not make time for self-care. How you feel physically affects how you feel emotionally, so attending to bodily needs matters. Quality sleep is especially important: aim for consistent bedtimes and uninterrupted rest whenever possible. If you have sleep apnea, arrange for evaluation and treatment—untreated sleep apnea can leave you feeling fatigued no matter how many hours you spend in bed, so therapies like CPAP, BiPAP, oral appliances, or other interventions are essential for truly feeling rested. Chronic pain is another common cause of ongoing irritability and low mood; it can be more challenging to resolve, but there is hope. Options such as medications, surgery, neural ablation, steroid injections, chiropractic care, and physical therapy can make pain more manageable, though they often require time, persistence, and coordination with specialists. Talk with your doctor for guidance on where to start and which approaches may best suit your situation.
Find healthy outlets for stress and cultivate a deeper sense of meaning and purpose in your life
Physical activity is probably one of the best outlets for releasing anger and relieving built-up tension. This can be as simple as going for a brisk 30-minute walk once a day, which helps clear the mind and regulate emotions. Many people may find more intensive physical activities — such as martial arts, boxing, or other vigorous sports — particularly effective for discharging anger and aggression in a controlled, healthy way. Finding calming practices to relax the body and mind — like stretching, yoga, getting a massage, or taking a warm bath — can be deeply soothing and provide a quiet place to sit with your thoughts without unwanted stimulation or distraction. Regular exercise and intentional relaxation honestly ought to be part of everyone’s weekly routine to help prevent burnout and maintain resilience.
Next, make it a personal mission to seek purpose and meaning in your life. Spiritual practices, broadly defined, are among the most important protective factors for mental health. Our inner life or soul is on a journey and benefits from ongoing care and attention. You are never truly finished growing, and that ongoing development is one of life’s profound gifts. Look for ways to nurture your spirit — whether through organized religion, philosophical study, creative pursuits, service to others, or deepening relationships. Sometimes that growth comes from finding a spiritual mentor in your community, joining a supportive group, or even through thoughtful reading and reflection.